Time

Mandate

As you know I’m petrified of being in the proximity of ‘uncharted’ people but I flounder even more when the legend below reads "Here there be males!"

There no other way to describe it - I am an 'Anti-Lad'. The closest I get to being a man’s man is doing a spot of decorating while simultaneously watching a John Wayne film on TCM. For a while my kind were classed as the New Age Man, a name which summons up odd images. I see an ape-creature, standing before a black monolith, raising a newly discovered implement above his head before bringing it down firmly, but with equal care, as he irons his best animal skin on a nice flat rock!

If ever I am stranded in the company of lads I am totally out of my depth. I know nothing of football, I dipped my toe in the waters of DIY but power tools are a mystery and a car is just something to get me to work (what the hell is torc anyway?). Even meeting other Ant-Lads doesn’t help as we just sort of cancel each other out and stare into our own private worlds thinking of what we'll cook for dinner. The only blokes I do know tend to come as part of a family package where their son or daughter knows my son or daughter which at least gives me the opener of "How is (insert-name-of-child-here)?" but that will only get you so far. Not that I mind too much as I loath small talk. What I do mind is that I haven’t had what I would call a best ‘male’ friend since I was about twelve.

At that time my shyness was at full power but I did have friends at school if only by dint of the fact that I saw them nearly everyday. However, as I moved into the realms of acting (Jazz-hands ahoy) I underwent an unusual reversal. Suddenly I could speak to girls, make friends with girls and even spend time with girls while at the same time understanding lads less and less. The irony is it still took me forever to find the guts to actually date a girl but that just highlighted the 'brotherly' friendship I had with them. Again, there were blokes on my courses and in subsequent jobs and I do still count many of these as friends but never a best friend. A best friend is not only some who will be there for you and to who you will do the same but also needs to be someone who gets you. Someone who speaks on your frequency. And not having that tends to leave a hole in your life.

A prime example was my wedding. When the time came to pick a best man there was no one who came to mind to fill the role. I have no brothers and nor does my wife and my closest male cousin old enough to do the job was at that time living in New Zealand! In the end I made the unconventional decision to choose the person who was my best friend at the time as so had a Best Woman (Cheers D, it was a pleasure to have you with me that day). Of course my wife now fits the best 'female' friend role and as such spotted that man shaped hole in me.

Unfortunately on one occasion she tried to fill it in a most unusual way by setting me up with what can best be described as a 'play-date'. She was so used to doing it for the kids I guess she just saw it as an extension of the same idea. He was the father of one of my son's friends who I'd previously met at birthday parties and at the school gates (so shyness shouldn't be an issue). He was more Anti-Lad than Lad but not as extreme as me (so I might learn something new from him but wouldn't pick up any nasty habits or get into too many scrapes). He lived not far from us (so not too many roads to cross). And his wife thought he to should socialise more (so basically our wives told us to go out for a drink together). Man-date!

On the evening in question my 'Date-Mate' called on me, as my house was on the way to the pub. My wife tucked my scarf into my trousers, put on my stringed-mittens and told us not to stay out too late. Together we stumped off down the road. I'd like to say the evening went well and that he and I have been best buddies ever since but then that would be a big steaming pile of 'not-true-poo'. In reality we spent five minutes using up our openers and discovering how the other's kids were. Moved on to latest DIY projects, then quickly through my lack of interest in sport before settled down to an evening of beer supping and lengthening silences. And all the while my inner man was struggling to take control. If only he had... 

*The Anti-Lad kicks back his stool and stands, staring down the Date-Mate from beneath the brim of his Ten Gallon hat*

"Now listen here Pilgrim, if you're looking looking for best friendship then I aint willing to accommodate ya. We both see this man-date aint going nowhere. And if'n I hear you use language like 'league champions' or 'traction control' once more, so help me I'll not understand ya. Now you just sit peaceful and finish your drink and I'll be on my way. I got broccoli to steam and a pelmet to fix. Adiós Compadre."

*With that the Anti-Lad moseys out the saloon doors, stopping momentarily to look back, his left hand clutching his right arm as he considers whether to put his scarf back on, before heading towards the sunset and New Aged adventures...*

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Heads

Movie Quiz Time!

This time a 'heady' mix of decapitation and shoulder shrugging the hard way!

... in an apartment above a post-apocalyptic butcher shop a head sits on a table with a cleaver through it, but all is not what its seems...

... in a palace on the moon a Germanic yarn-spinner meets a monarchy who remove their own heads rather than other peoples...

... on the red planet a scuffle breaks out at passport control which results in someone loosing a spare head and the room going boom...

... in a castle in Transylvania an oddly pronounced, 'freshly dead' head has a hunch *ba-rum-ting*...

... on a swampy planet (a long time ago, far far away, yadda yadda yadda) our hero decapitates the big baddie only to get a confusing metaphor from beneath his mask...

... on a street in Israel a photographer finds that rapid glass delivery can be a right pain in the neck...

... on a spaceship in deep space (where else!) a severed head looks to be sufferring from a lactose problem after a fight with other crew members over an uninvited guest...

...south of the border an American bartender takes a road trip to retrieve a head but gets a little gun crazy instead...

... on a moon of a planet in our solar system, which runs 'rings' around the rest, a robot takes it upon himself to decorate his angle-pious neck with a human head...

... in an 18th Century American hamlet an incomplete horseman gets head envy and starts to even things up a bit by bringing people down to his size...

**** Bonus Question ****

No decapitation here but what is the movie which contains an odd mix of songs and sketches from four actors who can sing and was co-wirtten by another actor who had in a previous film freely admitted that his writing was a bit "dull"?

Answers

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Cavort

I wish I could dance. Actually, scratch that! I can dance and in fact I do at the slightest provocation!

My mother was a dancer in her youth and loved watching all the MGM musicals. So naturally I grew up watching them as well. 'On the Town', 'Kiss Me Kate', 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers' - you name it we'd watch it.  Not surprisingly I loved the comedic dancers best with the top position going to Donald O'Connor in 'Singin' in the Rain'. I would watch him perform 'Make Them Laugh' over and over again and emulate his every move (with exception of the final back flips!)

Drama school finally gave me an opportunity to truly try my hand (or should that be foot) at various forms of dancing led by our marvellous tutors Leslie and Norm. It was also Norm's dance classes which first introduced me properly to MW(TG) as we teamed up for ballroom dancing and pumped up the Polka to 10. As with most things I found that my memory was part of the key to my success. Just as I could easily memorise lines I was also very quick to pick up and remember routines. I may never have had the body of a true dancer, even in my slimmer youth, but the mind was on the ball and the feet wished to follow.

The one style I really wanted to get to grips with was tap but although I had a fair stab at it I was no Fred Astaire. In our first term we had to do a group dance to Kenny Ball's 'Midnight in Moscow', a tune which still rattles round in my head to this day. I can remember trying to lead the rest of my group in some additional rehearsals and getting very 'Miss Grant' from Fame on the asses - "Pay me some sweat people!". Alas I never took dancing any further, but in quiet moments alone I still try to perfect a simple time-step...

Shuffle-Hop-Spring-Tap-Step-Step

Shuffle-Hop-Spring-Tap-Step-Step

Today I'm getting to show off and pass on the odd trick I do remember to my kids, both of whom have the dancing bug but prefer a little 'popping and locking' to 'tapping and stepping'. I also get to introduce them to all the musicals I enjoyed with their Hollywood Hoofers. Only last week I had them sitting round watching Gene Kelly do the sublimely impossible dance on roller-skates (and in case you're wondering I refer to 'It's Always Fair Weather' as opposed to 'Xanadu').

But I also still cut my own rug! Either to the radio in the kitchen or more often to the personal soundtrack in my head. Anything from simple steps to something a little more adventurous - such as trying to pull off a barrel-roll down an empty corridor at work. "Dance and the world dances with you" and if that's not true then it certainly should be. So go on! Get up right now and boogie! It the best of times even if it's the worst of time-steps...

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Five top dance routines

1. Make Them Laugh
2. Gene Kelly on skates
3. Fred and Ginger
4. 'Seven Brothers' Barn Dance
5. Laurel and Hardy

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