Wednesday 1 May 2013

Stalling

What the Hell is going on with the world? I just looked at the weather forecast for this weekend - a Bank Holiday weekend I might add - and everything looks to be fine and sunny! For goodness sake, you can't rely on anything anymore! Bank Holidays are by tradition wet and cold with nary a beam of sunlight in sight! And why am I so irate?  Because I agreed to do a car boot and bad weather would have been my 'get out of jail free' card...

Now I enjoy a root around a car boot, particularly on the hunt for the odd paperback to add to my already groaning shelves back home. But I've never been good at the hosting aspect. Over the years my wife and I have opened our boot to the world once or twice and even the kids have joined us on occasions - although their contribution would usually entail furtively moving prized treasures off the table and back into the car. But this weekend it will be just me, my stall and I.



Not that this will be my first time going solo. Nor is it that the prospect of sitting on a camping chair in the sunshine doesn't hold appeal - especially if I can take a book or two with me, along with some refreshments. But a car boot  has one big drawback – punters. People poking round the stuff with no change and expecting me to have a plastic bag! Occasionally they'll ask how much something costs only to then walk away and come back later when they ask you again for the price - like a goldfish doing his second forgetful circuit of the bowl. I’d put up a sign like they do in the swanky parts of London saying “No Browsing!” but then I’d never get back my stake money.

Ideally I need one of those self-service tills you now find in supermarkets that I could set up at the end of my pitch. That way I’d only need to get involved when someone needs to choose something from the on-screen options - 


“Excuse me. Is this ‘get-it-home-and-never-use-it’ crap or ‘hold-onto-until-I-do-a-car-boot-myself-then-try-and-palm-it-off-on-someone-else’ crap?”


“I think you’ll find that’s ‘get-it-home-only-to-find-you-already-had-one’ crap”


Of course it would also need a ‘haggle-toggle’ for trying to get the most out of people at the start of the day and then practically giving things away by lunchtime. It would also need an alarm fitting to ensure that someone doesn't discover a hidden treasure you were previously unaware of -


“Unexpected antique in the bagging area!”


A wonderful idea but never going to happen before Sunday. So if you’ll excuse me I’m just popping off to see if I can’t find the steps for a rain dance and do a quick soft-shower-shuffle…


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